Wednesday, August 13, 2008

Phelps's Mustache Negotiates Compromise on Telecom Immunity

Washington, D.C.--

Michael Phelps's mustache, assumed to have been shaved off and discarded before Phelps's first race in Beijing, has emerged unharmed in Washington, D.C., where it has negotiated a deal between Senate Republicans and Democrats on the issue of telecom immunity.

Phelps's mustache called the Senate back into session from its summer recess in order to debate the Foreign Intelligence Surveillance Act (FISA), where an impasse between party leaders had left the bill with an uncertain future.

At issue was the participation of telecom companies with government officials in the months following the 9/11 terrorist attacks. The telecom companies had, without warrant, given the White House access to call logs of millions of Americans. Many Democrats and civil libertarians had objected to the immunity provision, arguing that telecom companies should be held accountable for what they deemed to be "warantless wiretapping."

By expanding the power and openness of the United States Foreign Intelligence Surveillance Court, while granting limited immunity to the telecom companies, Phelps's mustache was able to gain favor with enough lawmakers to ensure passage. President Bush has indicated that he will sign the bill.

Presumptive Democratic nominee Barack Obama issued the following statement:
"While I remain skeptical of the intention of the telecom companies, I remain deeply committed to protecting the American homeland. As such, I welcome the compromise proposed by Michael Phelps's mustache. This proposal will allow for American interests both at home and abroad to be properly protected, while ensuring that average Americans do not find their phones tapped. I am deeply thankful for the work that Michael Phelps's mustache has done on this issue, and I look forward to working with it in the future."

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