Wednesday, August 13, 2008

BREAKING: Michael Phelps Born In Mexico

Panic struck the United States Olympic team today, as Olympian Michael Phelps saw his citizenship challenged by the Australian swimming delegation. Eamon Sullivan, the Aussie swimmer whose team earned bronze to Phelps's gold in the 4x100 freestyle relay, formally made the charge at an emergency meeting of the IOC in Beijing.
Sullivan brought several witnesses, including the Mexican taxi driver who claimed to having coached Phelps's mother, Debbie, through labor in June of 1985, as the pair drove through the streets of Mexico City. The driver, Estevo Escobar, offered testimony to the panel.

"I did not actually see him come out," Escobar said, "but she was about to pop."

Phelps brought his own witnesses, however, including a farmer in rural Manitoba, Canada, who claimed to have found the newborn on the shores of Lake Winnipeg on the same day, accompanied by a small band of woodland creatures who had built the child a cradle of driftwood and old tires.

Ultimately, satellite data provided by the US's National Security Agency showed that Phelps's mother was, indeed, in Mexico at the time of Phelps's birth, but that Phelps exited Debbie's womb with such velocity that he did not actually make contact with earth until landing outside of Natchez, Mississippi, on the Mississippi River. According to US law, this makes Phelps a US citizen.

It is presumed that Phelps continued swimming up the river until he reached its end, though it is unclear how he ultimately reached Lake Winnipeg that same day.

Phelps, the greatest Olympian of all time, declined to comment for this story.

Estevo Escobar, shown here in an undated photo, described the noises coming from Debbie Phelps's abdomen as "lots of clanging, and some pounding, and the Star Spangled Banner."

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