Phelps Decared Pig Lipsticking Champion

Baton Rouge, LA--

Michael Phelps has been declared the Pig Lipsticking Champion of the World at the first annual Lipstick on a Pig rodeo in Baton Rouge, LA.

Inspired by Barack Obama's recent comments, Phelps entered the contest wearing a mask and calling himself "Phicael Melphs." Phelps was declared the winner, successfully putting lipstick on thirty-seven pigs in ten minutes.

"They just love me," Phelps said. "All I had to do was show them my medal, and they'd stop oinking long enough to give them a little lipstick."

Phelps, speaking with several lipstick marks on his cheek, also noted that the pigs kept trying to lick him, once they realized that he had won eight gold medals, setting seven world records in the process.

Phelps, whose mustache was recently passed over for Barack Obama's running mate, says he has "no hard feelings."

Breaking: Phelps Genetic Child of Heston and Wanye

New York--
Breaking news this morning as Olympian Michael Phelps revealed, after consulting with his mother, that he is a genetic "test tube baby" created with a mix of Charlton Heston and John Wayne's DNA.

Reporters are still learning more about this story, but Phelps is quoted to have said he received the ability to handle a pistol (while under water), and lead nations out of exile from Heston. Phelps attributes his knack for leading various WWII combat outfits, as well as wearing a 10 gallon hat, from Wayne. News outfits have going to Baltimore to question Phelps' mother more about this development--more to come.

Michael Phelps Accidentally Starts Hurricane Ike

Miami--

Meteorologists at the National Hurricane Center in Miama, Florida have traced the beginning of Hurricane Ike's path of destruction to a Michael Phelps warmup race in Beijing.

Phelps, practicing for the 100 meter freestyle before his gold medal performance, swung his arms so fast that a tropical depression was created over the Chinese city. Now, several weeks later, that depression has strengthened to hurricane-force winds which threaten the Bahamas and the eastern seaboard of the United States.

Scientists are at a loss as to how to deal with Ike's destructive potential, but many are currently reaching out to Phelps, encouraging him to swing his arms in the opposite direction to counteract Ike's trajectory.

(Photo: Hurricane Ike threatens the United States. The storm was originally called "Hurricane Michael Phelps Did This," but was rejected for copyright reasons)

Visiting the Today Show, Michael Phelps Undoes Al Roker's Gastric Bypass

New York--

On a visit to the Today Show to promote his endorsements and speak to fans, Michael Phelps stunned a nationwide audience by removing the plastic band from Al Roker's stomach.

Hosts Matt Lauer and Meredith Viera could only watch in horror as Phelps removed the band which had previously surrounded Roker's stomach, enabling Roker to eat whatever he wanted without feeling nauseous after only a few bites.

Roker, who had actually undergone adjustable gastric banding surgery rather than the related gastric bypass, looked confused just after the band was removed, but immediately thanked the swimmer and asked for a smoothie.

"I used to eat fast food all the time," Roker said, "and I am a lot hungrier now, but thanks to Michael, all I want to eat is fresh fruit and tofu. Man, this is great."

Phelps declined comment.

(Photo: Roker, in this undated photo, has been empowered by Michael Phelps to watch his weight on his own, rather than relying on a surgical technique)

Lorne Michaels Cedes Control of Saturday Night Live to Michael Phelps

New York--

In preparation for Michael Phelps's September 13 appearance on Saturday Night Live, executive producer Lorne Michaels has resigned from his position in order that Phelps can have complete control over the long-running series.

Michaels, the creative mastermind of the show, shocked both the cast and television executives, as he is largely seen as the impetus that has kept SNL a Saturday night staple for thirty years.

In a statement, Michaels noted Phelps's "magnetic personality" and "uncanny ability to keep people watching."

Phelps was surprised by the decision, though he said he was excited by the opportunity. "Lorne Michaels is an institution," he said, "and I will never be able to fill his shoes, because they are much too small for my feet. So I will be buying new shoes, and I intend to fill them."

(Photo: Lorne Michaels announces his departure from Saturday Night Live)

"Citizen Kane" Down to #2, Phelps Relay to #1

New York--

The American Film Institute, the group who publishes and updates the 100 greatest American films of all-time issued a statement on Saturday stating that Citizen Kane, which has long been on top of the list despite numerous revisions and updates, will move to the number two spot on that list.

The institute said that the video of Michael Phelps' gold medal 2008 4x100 meter relay race will now sit atop the much heralded list. Warner Brothers is said to be in talks to re-format the footage for the big screen, and John Williams has been tapped to pen the score for the film.

The AFI, in an "unrelated" move said that the words "Rosebud" in Citizen Kane, perhaps the most famous of that film and cinematic history, will now be replaced with the words "Phelpsy".

Phelps Advised McCain on Palin

Dayton, OH--

As McCain made his VP pick known to the world yesterday, there was a person behind the scenes which no one expected. Gold medal Olympian Michael Phelps, according to undisclosed sources, closely advised McCain on his pick of 2-year Alaskan governor Sarah Palin.

According to our sources, McCain was apparently very tepid about choosing Palin. Palin, who has come under criticism for her little experience, lack of foreign policy knowledge, as well as a on-going and serious investigation of her administration was backed by Phelps from the beginning.

Phelps apparently revealed to McCain that it was him, in fact, that put pressure on a state trooper supervisor to fire Palin's ex-brother-in-law. When asked why Phelps said, "Alaska isn't really a part of the U.S". When asked about Palin's inexperience Phelps said, "I've been to Beijing, what other experience do you need?", while fondling his gold medals.

McCain is trying to keep the story hush-hush. Barack Obama, when asked for comment, said he felt betrayed; Phelps apparently wrote his much heralded and historic acceptance speech he delivered Thursday night.

Phelps Saves Children Poll Closes; Phelps Steps In

Atlanta, GA --

As the Phelps Saves Children poll closed today, 36% of readers said that "Michael Phelps' greatest achievement" was his mustache being nominated for Obama's VP, though Obama's decision was later reversed.  (Phelps bringing back Seinfeld was 2nd at 26%).  

However, later this morning after the results were released, Phelps contacted PSC writers to say that he would declare the results be thrown out, and that "my abs" be the winner.  

At first, our writers ignored the request until we received several threatening packages in the mail with swim goggles donning Phelps' name.  Therefore, "Phelps' abs" will now be known as Michael Phelps' greatest achievement.  

Emeril Debuts "Essence of Michael Phelps" Seasoning

New Orleans--

Celebrity chef Emeril Lagasse has debuted the most recent seasoning blend in his line of "Essence" spices. The spice blend will be packaged under the name, "Emeril's Essence of Michael Phelps."

Lagasse, best known for his work on television's Food Network, announced the new label at his flagship restaraunt in New Orleans, with Phelps at his side.

"I am proud to announce the latest in my series of spices," Lagasse said. "This blend will kick just about anything up a notch: chicken, fish, pool water, or beef. There is simply nothing more awesome than the Essence of Michael Phelps."

Asked to describe the seasoning, Phelps said, "It has hints of sweat, black pepper, and garlic powder, with the heart of a champion."

(Photo: Emeril Lagasse announces his new seasoning blend, the Essence of Michael Phelps)

Scientist: Phelps's Icy Stare Below Absolute Zero

Zurich, Switzerland--

Scientists at the University of Zurich studying Michael Phelps have determined that his gaze measures at temperatures below any ever measured before.

Ulrich Borgenson, Distinguished Professor of Thermal Physics, conducted the tests after Phelps's recent string of gold medal-winning races at the Beijing Olympics.

"Absolute zero is defined as zero degrees Kelvin, or -273.15 degrees Celcius," Borgenson writes in the most recent issue of the Journal of Thermodynamics, "and until now, no one has even been able to create a machine which could measure such temperatures. But Michael Phelps has proved the science wrong."

Scientists asked Phelps to stare at three targets: a vial of water, Hungarian swimmer Laszlo Cseh, and a laser thermometer. All three items were frozen solid within milliseconds.

The original lead author of the study, Doris Leuenberger, was accidentally frozen and shattered during the experiment; Borgenson dedicated the study to her memory.

Phelps has been asked to wear special goggles until scientists are able to control his icy stare. In an unrelated study, scientists in Denver, Colorado are studying whether Phelps's gaze can be used to combat global climate change.

(Photo: Michael Phelps's gaze is recorded on film seconds before the camera was frozen solid)

In Reversal, Phelps to Create Child

Chicago--

In a stark reversal from his Time Magazine interview last week, Michael Phelps has said he will have one "super child," after announcing he will wed Oprah Winfrey in a televised wedding this Friday.  Oprah and Phelps both seemed excited at the prospect.  

Phelps also said that due to advances in medical science, he will cross-breed genes of other "superior beings" with the child, in order to make it stronger.  The Olympic swimmer released a short-list of several celebrities whose genes would contribute to the make-up of the child; among them Jennifer Anniston and TV handyman Bob Vila.  

Winfrey and Phelps hope to speed up the birthing process to have the child ready for the 2012 summer qualifying races held in 2011.  More details to come.

Phelps Solves Housing Crisis with Medal

Washington--

This morning Michael Phelps issued a statement to the press stating that he would fore go one of his 2008 gold Olympic medals in order to solve America's worsening housing crisis.  The press immediately contacted troubled lenders Fannie Mae and Freddy Mac for comment.  Both organizations confirmed the story and issued this joint statement:

Michael Phelps approached both our organizations because he not only swims for the American people--he lives and breathes with them as well.  There is no hiding that our lending policies were in deepening trouble, and therefore a large portion of the American economy.  But Michael has graciously given away his 2008 relay gold medal in order to pay our losses, as well as forgive the debts of most of Fannie and Freddy's customers.  

When reporters pressed the companies for a specific number, as to how much the medal would cover, the companies' representatives both declined to comment.  However, some mumbling could be heard before the conversation was ended and one rep. was reportedly heard saying "I don't like owing him a favor..."

Phelps's Mustache Threatens Convention Walkout

Denver--

Michael Phelps's mustache, assured by presumptive Democratic Presidential nominee Barack Obama of being named his running mate, threated a walkout at tonight's Democratic National Convention after Joe Biden appeared to replace it on the ticket

Phelps's mustache was preparing its acceptance speech early Saturday morning when news of the looming Obama-Biden pick reached Phelps's mustache's cell phone's inbox.

"This is an outrage," Phelps's mustache said. "I had an assurance from Senator Obama that we would ride the Obama-Phelps's Mustache wave all the way to the White House. I had even picked out new drapes for the Naval Conservatory. But after promising me the spot, Obama picked that jerk Biden from Delaware. Seriously, where is Delaware, anyway?"

Obama's original pick of Phelps's mustache had come under scrutiny by Constitutional scholars in recent days, as it appears that Phelps's mustache must have been at least 35 years old to be eligible for the office. Photo evidence suggests that the mustache missed the Constitutional mark by 34 years and 10 months.

Supporters of Phelps's mustache joined frustrated Hillary Clinton supporters in calling for a roll call vote at the convention. Supporters were seen passing out "Hillary-Mustache" signs on the convention floor.

Obama was unavailable to comment.

(Photo: Supporters of Hillary Clinton and Michael Phelps's Mustache refuse to leave the Democratic National Convention stage in protest of Obama's selection of Joe Biden as his running mate)

Phelps Leaps In to Save Child; Then Leaves Him In Water

London--

According to eyewitnesses, Michael Phelps was swimming in a local London swimming pool when he noticed a young 4-year-old struggling to keep his head above water.  The boy, Peter Smedley, then began to drown when Phelps leapt in the pool to save him.  However, a bystander closer to Smedley swam to him before Phelps could reach him, and then pulled him to safety.  

Several eyewitnesses then say Phelps became visibly angry, and threw both back in the pool.  When Smedley and his savior, David Divelwhite, attempted to get back out of the water several times, Phelps stood at the foot of the water and continued to push them back in, shouting, "You want to be a hero again?!"  Phelps then threw all his gold medals at the pair's heads, save one which appeared to be melded to his skin.  Though traumatized, the victims are recovering nicely in their respective London homes.

Above: an angry Phelps captured by a bystander cellphone, at the time of the incident.

Phelps Featured on Bravo's Project Runway

New York--

Michael Phelps will be featured on tonight's episode of Bravo smash Project Runway, MPSC has learned.

The eleven remaining designers were tasked with creating an outfit for Michael Phelps using nothing but the eight gold medals he has won at this year's Beijing Olympics.

--Spoiler Alert--

The winning design was created by twenty-three year old contestant Blayne of Yakima, Washington. Blayne used the medals to create a bikini top for Phelps. Rather than making a bottom, Blayne made use of the Speedo that Phelps has had surgically attached to his groin area. Phelps will be featured wearing Blayne's design on this week's issue of Sports Illustrated Magazine.

The eliminated contestant was leather designer Stella (nicknamed Cheroin by fans of the show, as she resembles a strung-out version of the pop star). Stella's design included several studs and lots of leater. Stella attempted to pierce Phelps's nipple in order to connect the medals to his chest via a chain, but Phelps chose to forego the piercing, arguing that it would make his body less aerodynamic.

(Photo: Blayne's winning design)

Phelps: 'I Will Not Have Kids'

London--

Michael Phelps, in a sit-down interview with Time Magazine, stated that he has no plans on having children, and in fact, would refuse to do so with a partner.  "Why would I want to breed?  There is unequivocally no point--I am the best, and any offspring will taint my genetic makeup."  Phelps went on to explain that if any children were produced "by accident" he would raise them completely in the underwater, even though it would pose an immediate risk to the child.  

When the interviewer asked if Michael would feel threatened if his children were swimmers, and thus perhaps breaking his records, Phelps sat in a nearby water fountain, and challenged the reporter to a race.  Time said it would release photos later today.

Phelps to Host Late Night Talk Show

New York--

Michael Phelps, fresh from his record-shattering eighth gold medal in a single Olympics, announced at a press conference today that he will be hosting a late night talk show, to begin in November of this year.

The show, The Show with Michael Phelps, will feature Phelps as host, as well as bandleader and interview subject. David Letterman's Worldwide Pants will be producing the program.

"This kid is great," Letterman said. "And though he'll be taking my spot on CBS, its fine, because I hate CBS."

In fact, The Show With Michael Phelps will be simulcast on every major network and all cable channels in the United States, as well as channels in China, Kenya, Mexico, Canada, Iraq, Chile, and the Netherlands.

Cable channel Bravo TV announced an exclusive deal to air reruns of The Show With Michael Phelps from 7am-9am, though Bravo intends to focus entirely on Phelps's bare chest for the two-hour period.

Evidence: Phelps Created "Your Mom" and "That's What She Said" Jokes

New York--

After a blistering Olympic run over the past week in Beijing, Michael Phelps has produced several documents which show he was the comedy mastermind behind popular 'Your mom' and 'That's what she said' jokes, which frequently appear in common vernacular as well as TV sitcoms such as NBC's The Office.

Phelps said he developed the phrases around the age of four, when he was taunting fellow swim-class competition, and continues to use them today in the pool towards competitors. The District Court of New York has confirmed these documents to be authentic and plans to address their public use in a mandate requested by Phelps. Writers of The Office were stunned and simply said, "We effectively have no more jokes. We don't know how to proceed at this point..."

Above: Phelps after learning that his jokes had been picked up by big-network sitcoms.

Commish Selig Declares Cubs 2008 Champs, At Phelps' Request

Chicago--

The Chicago Cubs have been haunted with the lack of a championship title since 1908, until today when MLB commissioner Bud Selig preemptively declared them the 2008 World Series Champions. This came after Olympic champion Michael Phelps told Selig that the beleaguered Cubs move to the top, and the rest of the season be cancelled. Of course, this decision has come under much criticism by sports writers, as well as other Major League teams and players, even though the Cubs have the lead in their NL Central division.

"It was time to make this happen," Selig said. "I called Michael to congratulate him on his staggering medal total this year, and asked him if there was anything I could do for him. He responded in kind with several things; one of which was to have the baselines replaced with moats, and the latter was the matter of the Cubs." Selig said he could make no change to the baselines, as Alex Rodriguez said it would tire him out too much, and therefore leave him little energy to cheat on his wife.

Selig also said that Wrigley field would now be named "UB-40 field" after Phelps' favorite band. When reporters asked why Phelps did not request his hometown Orioles be named champs, he replied, "The town already has me..."

In Some Confusion, Phelps Gives Back Prize 8

Beijing--

Phelps firmly placed himself in Olympic history yesterday by winning 8 total gold medals in the 2008 Summer games--a perfect record by the American. However, today NBC has reported that Phelps has given back the 8 medals he won saying, "I don't know what these are for...why are all the cameras here? I was just going for a swim." The IOC are trying to negotiate with Phelps, but admitted the whole situation was "very, very confusing."

It appears that Phelps was just in Beijing's 'Water Cube' by chance, and didn't even mean to compete. The move was welcome by most other countries who placed, particularly France who is petitioning the IOC for the medals. Reporters swarmed Phelps for more answers, to which he only said "What is my mom doing here?"

FLASH: Obama Chooses Phelps's Mustache As Running Mate!

Chicago, IL--

Presumptive Democratic nominee Barack Obama has selected Michael Phelps's mustache as his vice-presidential nominee, shocking journalists and party activists who were expecting a sitting Senator or Governor to be named.

The mustache, which was a late addition to Obama's VP search team, was announced as Obama's choice at a faith form at Rick Warren's Saddleback Church.

Obama issued the following statement:
"I look forward to serving with Michael Phelps's mustache as President and Vice President of the United States. Though I know my selection is an unconventional one, I have never been a conventional candidate. Indeed, Michael Phelps's mustache has a wealth of foreign policy experience, and I look forward to running with it as we take on John McCain in November."

Phelps Acknowledges He Found Earhart

Beijing --

The mystery to the disappearance of Amelia Earhart has drawn many conspiracy theories--yet today, it appears to be solved.  According to sources, an inebriated Michael Phelps told a crowded popular Beijing bar that he was the found the body of Amelia Earhart on Gardner Island, where many experts believed she crashed.  She was still living at the age of 118 years old.  Phelps, during a transglobal swim to warm up for his gold medal race at 3 am EST time, said the old Earhart just said, "Do you have any beer?  Then leave me alone..." at which point Phelps swam back to Beijing in order to compete yesterday.  

Many experts were skeptical of Phelps' claim--however, upon further investigation they discovered Earhart themselves, exactly in the place where Phelps claimed.  Historian Mark Smeggly released this statement: 

The discovery of Amelia Earhart is both a blessing and a marvel.  Thanks to the help of Michael Phelps, historians such as myself can now continue the investigation of her final flight, which up to this point has been a stalemate.  When we reached out to Earhart, and suggested we bring her home, however, she was thoughorouly confused (possibly by our modern appearance) and shot 2 of my companions.  She will remain on Gardner Island, with little to no contact.  

Earhart refused comment for this story.

Apple's Steve Jobs: "Phelps Inspired and Invented the iPhone"

Cupertino, CA --

Steve Jobs held a press conference today and revealed that Michael Phelps was the inspiration behind the iPhone.  Jobs said in a pre-written statement, "I am very pleased with the public reaction behind the iPhone, and it has allowed Apple to break another front in technology.  I must admit, however, that Apple cannot single-handedly take credit for this ground-breaking product.  In early 2003 Michael Phelps approached me with the idea, and at first I was skeptical--not to mention perplexed as to even how such technology would be created.  However, Phelps came with the idea, design, and even a prototype.  After discussion with our engineers they said it was the beyond the scope of our labs."  

Jobs then said that Phelps went to his car, got a large box from the trunk and brought the proper equipment to the lab to their amazement.  "He essentially gave us everything we needed," Jobs said.  Phelps then tossed his car keys to them and swam away through the sewer system.  The Apple CEO refused comment when asked if Phelps was behind the iPod as well.  

BREAKING: Phelps Named Archbishop of Paraguay

The Vatican--

Pope Benedict XVI has named Michael Phelps the new Archbishop of Paraguay. Phelps replaces Fernando Lugo, who was recently released from his post in order to accept the Presidency of Paraguay.

The Pontiff noted Phelps's international appeal in his statement, saying that "no one gets the attention that Michael Phelps gets--not even me."

Phelps accepted his ordination as bishop with trademark humility.

"Gosh," he said, "I'm not even Catholic, but, you know, if you dare to dream, you can achieve anything, even if what you achieve is becoming Archbishop of Paraguay, and what you dreamed was winning eight gold medals."

(Photo: President of Paraguay, Fernando Logo, discusses his replacement with reporters)

Phelps to Headline Ace of Base Comeback Tour

Gothenburg, Sweden--

The three remaining members of 90s-era pop band Ace of Base announced today that Michael Phelps will join the band as lead singer and chief songwriter.

Phelps will replace Malin "Linn" Berggren, who left the band in 2007. The three remaining members--Jenny Berggren, Jonas Berggren, and Ulf Eckberg--made the announcement at an event for their Scandanavian label, Edel Music. Phelps, with his muscular good looks and international appeal, seemed a perfect fit for the band.

"Though we didn't really know if he could sing," Eckberg said, "we decided to ask him to fill Linn's spot anyway. He accepted, and my God, he's got a set of pipes on him that you wouldn't believe."

Jenny Berggren, the only remaining female in the group, echoed Eckberg's statements. "He is the best vocalist I have ever heard," she said, "and he will bring a whole new flair to our hits, 'The Sign,' 'All That She Wants,' and 'Don't Turn Around.'"

Phelps did not issue a statement, as he was preparing to race for his sevent consecutive gold medal. His agent added that Phelps did not want to injure his voice before the Ace of Base world tour this winter.

(Photo: In his first time singing with the band, Ace of Base, Michael Phelps performs a rousing aria from Rossini's The Barber of Seville)

Phelps' Secret: "I'm Allergic to Bronze and Silver"

Beijing--

In an interview Friday in Beijing, Michael Phelps revealed to sports reporter Howard Cosell (after he brought Cosell back to life using DNA strands and nerve tissue) that he is allergic to bronze and silver, and thus has to win the gold. When Cosell remarked, "Well...you could just not win a medal," Phelps snapped, "What the hell are you getting at Cosell?" Phelps then promptly ended Cosell's life, again.

It is said that Phelps is allergic to the thermal conductivity of Silver (which is 429.0 w/m/k) which reacts harshly to his skin. It is unknown as to why bronze has a similar effect. The OIC is taking the matter into investigation, as well as trying to bring Cosell back to life for a third time, to see what else Phelps might have said.

Phelps's Mustache Joins Obama's VP Search Team

Chicago, IL--

In an unexpected move, the mustache once attached to Olympic phenom Michael Phelps has joined Barack Obama's Vice Presidential search team.

Eric Holder and Caroline Kennedy, the other members of the search committee, welcomed the announcement with a joint statement:

"We are thrilled to have Michael Phelps's mustache join the Obama team. Though this addition is quite late in the game, as we have done the vast amount of vetting required for this process, Senator Obama insisted that we add the mustache to our committee and give it full access to the records of all the Vice Presidential nominees. We look forward to working with Michael Phelps's mustache as we work to elect Barack Obama as the next President of the United States."

The move was met with skepticism in the McCain campaign. McCain campaign manager Rick Davis sent out a short press release arguing that Obama "is just trying to paint himself as a true-blooded American," and that "the American people are smarter than this." Davis also noted that McCain has been endorsed by 1964 gold medal swimmer Don Schollander's toupee, legendary basketball coach John Wooden's arthritis, and Ted Williams' head.

Phelps Gets Rid of Roaches

UC Berkley, CA --

After scientists have seen all of their lab roaches, as well as domestic U.S. roaches disappear in recent weeks, the public finally has an answer as to why -- Gold Medalist Michael Phelps.  When asked about the strange phenomena by a reporter after his 200m race about the incident, Phelps only winked and said "...you're welcome."  

Though scientists are unsure how Phelps has effectively retired the 200 million year-old species, and what some regard as the strongest evolutionary adaptor, Phelps' office soon after released a statement only saying: "200 million-years is one thing, but you can't genetically adapt to me."  More details to come. 

Above: a statement released on Phelps' website about the abrupt absence of roaches.

Michael Phelps, Rick Warren Partner on New Book Project

Lake Forest, CA--

Reverend Rick Warren, author of The Purpose Driven Life and pastor of Saddleback Church, announced a new book project with famed Olympic swimmer Michael Phelps. The book, titled The Purpose Driven Greatest Olympian of All Time, will be published later this fall by Zondervan.

The book, which details a forty day program helping Michael Phelps be the best Michael Phelps he can be, has already shot to the top of the Amazon.com bestseller list, on the strength on pre-sales alone.

Asked about the limited focus his book seemed to have, Warren noted that "Phelps is the hot thing right now, and people like following the hot thing. I am encouraging churches to have Michael Phelps Sundays, where Phelps's accomplishments are celebrated. Jesus may have died for our sins, but Michael Phelps swims for our hearts."

Phelps, asked to comment, opened his mouth wide, appeared to spend several seconds breathing hard, raised one finger in the air, and blinked as if his goggles had been full of water.

(Photo: Pastor Rick Warren announces his new book project with Michael Phelps at Saddleback Church)

Phelps Disses "Dark Knight," WB Pulls Movie

Hollywood --

Michael Phelps spoke with reporters after seeing new Batman saga "The Dark Knight," in Hollywood last night and said, "I thought it was horrid. Was that guy really a girl? I just didn't understand..." Warner Brothers CEO Barry Meyer promptly pulled the film from American screens citing "...an error in the closing credits".

However, Hollywood insiders say a late-night meeting was called between Meyer, Director Christopher Nolan, and actor Morgan Freeman, who was airlifted from a Memphis hospital to attend. The meeting was only scheduled after Phelps comments that same afternoon.

A member of Meyer's staff, on condition of anonymity, reported there was over 20 minutes of screaming and muffled crying during the secret meeting, as well as broken sentences containing frequent mention of goggle elastic and gold medals. Phelps refused to elaborate any further on the movie, only saying "Catwoman...now that was a good movie!" After his comments, Phelps jumped off the Santa Monica pier and showed up in Beijing today for his final tonight. Warner Brother has since said "The Dark Knight" will no longer be on screens, and will only be available on VHS.

Above: Phelps coming out of a private screening of "The Dark Knight"

Phelps Powers Iowa Farm

Maquoketa, Iowa--

David Shockey's dairy farm had been without power for weeks, due to a recent tornado which knocked out power to much of the Maquoketa area. None of the farm's milking machines were powered, leaving Shockey to milk the large herd of cattle by hand, greatly reducing the farm's income. Shockey's wife, Judith, had resorted to boiling lake water over her gas stove in order to ensure its safety.

Phelps, in town promoting tonight's 200m freestyle individual race, in which he is the favorite to take gold, spoke with Shockey after a promotional event with his primary sponsor, Speedo.

"He just couldn't believe we didn't have power," Shockey said, "and he asked me to take him to the farm."

At the farm, Phelps asked for jumper cables and told Shockey and his family to stand back so as not get hurt.

"He put the jumper cables on the back of his ankles, and attached the other end to the milker machine" Shockey said, "and he just started spinning his arms. He was going so fast, I thought we were all going to blow over."

Asked to comment, Phelps said, "I like to get my milk straight from the udder, as it is freshest and most nutritious that way, but these folks out here have got to make a living. It was the least I could do."

(Photo: Phelps demonstrates the way in which he spun his arms to power David Shockey's farm in Maquoketa, Iowa)

Phelps to Bring Back "Seinfeld"

New York--

Michael Phelps has contacted the agents of the primary cast of NBC's hit 90's sitcom Seinfeld, as well as the network, and has successfully convinced chief creative strategists Jerry Seinfeld and Larry David to do 6 more seasons on their flagship network. All actors have promised to make a reprise, except Peter Keleghan who played the 1st Lloyd Braun, who cited his loyalty to his 3rd ancestry of Germany.

Larry David remarked, "...I don't know who Michael Phelps is...but Curb Your Enthusiasm is running out of steam". Seinfeld, a strong friend of David is quoted as saying, "What...is...the deal with that guy winning all those medals? Not that there is anything wrong with that. Hellooooo. That guy can swim. Phelps appears in the news everyday, and I say yada yad....," at which point the reporter cut him off.

Michael Richards personally talked with Phelps about Richard's recent racist comments during a standup show, and has since admitted he has a problem and is seeking counseling. This after Phelps revealed he was half African American, and supported Barack Obama in the general election.

Phelps's Mustache Negotiates Compromise on Telecom Immunity

Washington, D.C.--

Michael Phelps's mustache, assumed to have been shaved off and discarded before Phelps's first race in Beijing, has emerged unharmed in Washington, D.C., where it has negotiated a deal between Senate Republicans and Democrats on the issue of telecom immunity.

Phelps's mustache called the Senate back into session from its summer recess in order to debate the Foreign Intelligence Surveillance Act (FISA), where an impasse between party leaders had left the bill with an uncertain future.

At issue was the participation of telecom companies with government officials in the months following the 9/11 terrorist attacks. The telecom companies had, without warrant, given the White House access to call logs of millions of Americans. Many Democrats and civil libertarians had objected to the immunity provision, arguing that telecom companies should be held accountable for what they deemed to be "warantless wiretapping."

By expanding the power and openness of the United States Foreign Intelligence Surveillance Court, while granting limited immunity to the telecom companies, Phelps's mustache was able to gain favor with enough lawmakers to ensure passage. President Bush has indicated that he will sign the bill.

Presumptive Democratic nominee Barack Obama issued the following statement:
"While I remain skeptical of the intention of the telecom companies, I remain deeply committed to protecting the American homeland. As such, I welcome the compromise proposed by Michael Phelps's mustache. This proposal will allow for American interests both at home and abroad to be properly protected, while ensuring that average Americans do not find their phones tapped. I am deeply thankful for the work that Michael Phelps's mustache has done on this issue, and I look forward to working with it in the future."

Michael Phelps Engineers Social Networking Breakthrough

Beijing, China--

Frustrated by his inability to communicate while breaking world records in the pool, Michael Phelps announced the creation of a new social networking tool which will help swimmers bring about social change in the developing world.

Called "Twater," the new service will aid underwater heroes all over the world by allowing short, pithy statements to by typed into specially-wired Speedos and displayed instantly on computers all over the world.

Though Phelps was unable to come to the surface for comment, he said on his Twater page, "This s a gr8 tool for diplomaC. Bono wants N."

Other recently updated messages from Phelps's Twater page included the following:
"Talked to Sarko abt Georgia. Think its fixed."
"Gas now 2 $ a gal. Ur welcome."
"Its spelled Twater, not Twatter."

BREAKING: Phelps Negotiates Truce Between Georgia and Russia

Tbilisi, Georgia--

Michael Phelps met with Presidents Dmitry Medvedev and Mikheil Saakashvili, respectively, to negotiate an end of the Russian invasion of Georgia. Details are hush at this point in this developing story, but Phelps has apparently convinced Russia to an unconditional withdrawal, as well as a Georgian mandate which would prompt Russia to join forces and attack Ukraine, splitting the gains down the middle. Phelps wore a sport coat over his swimsuit, but still donned a bowtie with his gold medals. More details to come.
(Above: Russian President Medvedev listens to Phelps)

Phelps Underwrites Critical AIDS Research, Shows Scientists How to Perform Experiment

Atlanta, GA--

Today, the CDC in Atlanta held a press conference to introduce critical AIDS research which is being funded by USA swim team member Michael Phelps. Phelps plans to fund the work by auctioning off a pair of goggles made from the gold dust contained in some of his earlier medals. The panel at the press conference included the current CDC Chair, a team of AIDS research scientists, and Phelps. When reporters asked the scientists how they plan to proceed with the experiment, scientists responded with a powerpoint presentation which was interupted by a visibly angry Phelps. A swim-suit clad Phelps muttered "...you don't know what the hell you're doing" into his microphone before scolding the scientists, challenging them to a breath-holding contest, and then carrying on with the scientific presentation himself. Fellow scientists which were not a part of the presentation were awe-struck, and consequently ashamed after the upstaging in which Phelps cured a dying duck with AIDS, and then cloned it in a requisate fifteen minutes. 3 people were injured during the incident.

Pictured: a visible angry Phelps at the CDC in Atlanta, GA

BREAKING: Michael Phelps Born In Mexico

Panic struck the United States Olympic team today, as Olympian Michael Phelps saw his citizenship challenged by the Australian swimming delegation. Eamon Sullivan, the Aussie swimmer whose team earned bronze to Phelps's gold in the 4x100 freestyle relay, formally made the charge at an emergency meeting of the IOC in Beijing.

Sullivan brought several witnesses, including the Mexican taxi driver who claimed to having coached Phelps's mother, Debbie, through labor in June of 1985, as the pair drove through the streets of Mexico City. The driver, Estevo Escobar, offered testimony to the panel.

"I did not actually see him come out," Escobar said, "but she was about to pop."

Phelps brought his own witnesses, however, including a farmer in rural Manitoba, Canada, who claimed to have found the newborn on the shores of Lake Winnipeg on the same day, accompanied by a small band of woodland creatures who had built the child a cradle of driftwood and old tires.

Ultimately, satellite data provided by the US's National Security Agency showed that Phelps's mother was, indeed, in Mexico at the time of Phelps's birth, but that Phelps exited Debbie's womb with such velocity that he did not actually make contact with earth until landing outside of Natchez, Mississippi, on the Mississippi River. According to US law, this makes Phelps a US citizen.

It is presumed that Phelps continued swimming up the river until he reached its end, though it is unclear how he ultimately reached Lake Winnipeg that same day.

Phelps, the greatest Olympian of all time, declined to comment for this story.

Estevo Escobar, shown here in an undated photo, described the noises coming from Debbie Phelps's abdomen as "lots of clanging, and some pounding, and the Star Spangled Banner."

Michael Phelps Saves Baby Elephants from Harsh Winter Storm

Nazareth, PA --
It seemed that nothing could grab headlines from the global-warming caused winter storm in Pennsylvania this August...until now. Recently stolen infant elephants from the Pittsburgh Zoo were discarded by their captors on the side of the road this Monday; left to freeze at subzero temperatures. Olympiad Phelps, on a day trip to Nazareth, PA to have his newly collected 5-gold medals shined at local metal smith purveyor Going at it Hammer and Tongs, saw the baby pachyderms in the median. Cutting short his swim in the nearby creek, Phelps grabbed the elephants and headed back for the creek only to break the world record for tributary swimming (Guinness World Records' Noris McWhirter was close by on an ice fishing holiday). The animals are safely back at the zoo. Phelps will race for his 6th gold medal tonight in Beijing.