Phelps Decared Pig Lipsticking Champion

Baton Rouge, LA--

Michael Phelps has been declared the Pig Lipsticking Champion of the World at the first annual Lipstick on a Pig rodeo in Baton Rouge, LA.

Inspired by Barack Obama's recent comments, Phelps entered the contest wearing a mask and calling himself "Phicael Melphs." Phelps was declared the winner, successfully putting lipstick on thirty-seven pigs in ten minutes.

"They just love me," Phelps said. "All I had to do was show them my medal, and they'd stop oinking long enough to give them a little lipstick."

Phelps, speaking with several lipstick marks on his cheek, also noted that the pigs kept trying to lick him, once they realized that he had won eight gold medals, setting seven world records in the process.

Phelps, whose mustache was recently passed over for Barack Obama's running mate, says he has "no hard feelings."

Breaking: Phelps Genetic Child of Heston and Wanye

New York--
Breaking news this morning as Olympian Michael Phelps revealed, after consulting with his mother, that he is a genetic "test tube baby" created with a mix of Charlton Heston and John Wayne's DNA.

Reporters are still learning more about this story, but Phelps is quoted to have said he received the ability to handle a pistol (while under water), and lead nations out of exile from Heston. Phelps attributes his knack for leading various WWII combat outfits, as well as wearing a 10 gallon hat, from Wayne. News outfits have going to Baltimore to question Phelps' mother more about this development--more to come.

Michael Phelps Accidentally Starts Hurricane Ike

Miami--

Meteorologists at the National Hurricane Center in Miama, Florida have traced the beginning of Hurricane Ike's path of destruction to a Michael Phelps warmup race in Beijing.

Phelps, practicing for the 100 meter freestyle before his gold medal performance, swung his arms so fast that a tropical depression was created over the Chinese city. Now, several weeks later, that depression has strengthened to hurricane-force winds which threaten the Bahamas and the eastern seaboard of the United States.

Scientists are at a loss as to how to deal with Ike's destructive potential, but many are currently reaching out to Phelps, encouraging him to swing his arms in the opposite direction to counteract Ike's trajectory.

(Photo: Hurricane Ike threatens the United States. The storm was originally called "Hurricane Michael Phelps Did This," but was rejected for copyright reasons)

Visiting the Today Show, Michael Phelps Undoes Al Roker's Gastric Bypass

New York--

On a visit to the Today Show to promote his endorsements and speak to fans, Michael Phelps stunned a nationwide audience by removing the plastic band from Al Roker's stomach.

Hosts Matt Lauer and Meredith Viera could only watch in horror as Phelps removed the band which had previously surrounded Roker's stomach, enabling Roker to eat whatever he wanted without feeling nauseous after only a few bites.

Roker, who had actually undergone adjustable gastric banding surgery rather than the related gastric bypass, looked confused just after the band was removed, but immediately thanked the swimmer and asked for a smoothie.

"I used to eat fast food all the time," Roker said, "and I am a lot hungrier now, but thanks to Michael, all I want to eat is fresh fruit and tofu. Man, this is great."

Phelps declined comment.

(Photo: Roker, in this undated photo, has been empowered by Michael Phelps to watch his weight on his own, rather than relying on a surgical technique)

Lorne Michaels Cedes Control of Saturday Night Live to Michael Phelps

New York--

In preparation for Michael Phelps's September 13 appearance on Saturday Night Live, executive producer Lorne Michaels has resigned from his position in order that Phelps can have complete control over the long-running series.

Michaels, the creative mastermind of the show, shocked both the cast and television executives, as he is largely seen as the impetus that has kept SNL a Saturday night staple for thirty years.

In a statement, Michaels noted Phelps's "magnetic personality" and "uncanny ability to keep people watching."

Phelps was surprised by the decision, though he said he was excited by the opportunity. "Lorne Michaels is an institution," he said, "and I will never be able to fill his shoes, because they are much too small for my feet. So I will be buying new shoes, and I intend to fill them."

(Photo: Lorne Michaels announces his departure from Saturday Night Live)

"Citizen Kane" Down to #2, Phelps Relay to #1

New York--

The American Film Institute, the group who publishes and updates the 100 greatest American films of all-time issued a statement on Saturday stating that Citizen Kane, which has long been on top of the list despite numerous revisions and updates, will move to the number two spot on that list.

The institute said that the video of Michael Phelps' gold medal 2008 4x100 meter relay race will now sit atop the much heralded list. Warner Brothers is said to be in talks to re-format the footage for the big screen, and John Williams has been tapped to pen the score for the film.

The AFI, in an "unrelated" move said that the words "Rosebud" in Citizen Kane, perhaps the most famous of that film and cinematic history, will now be replaced with the words "Phelpsy".

Phelps Advised McCain on Palin

Dayton, OH--

As McCain made his VP pick known to the world yesterday, there was a person behind the scenes which no one expected. Gold medal Olympian Michael Phelps, according to undisclosed sources, closely advised McCain on his pick of 2-year Alaskan governor Sarah Palin.

According to our sources, McCain was apparently very tepid about choosing Palin. Palin, who has come under criticism for her little experience, lack of foreign policy knowledge, as well as a on-going and serious investigation of her administration was backed by Phelps from the beginning.

Phelps apparently revealed to McCain that it was him, in fact, that put pressure on a state trooper supervisor to fire Palin's ex-brother-in-law. When asked why Phelps said, "Alaska isn't really a part of the U.S". When asked about Palin's inexperience Phelps said, "I've been to Beijing, what other experience do you need?", while fondling his gold medals.

McCain is trying to keep the story hush-hush. Barack Obama, when asked for comment, said he felt betrayed; Phelps apparently wrote his much heralded and historic acceptance speech he delivered Thursday night.

Phelps Saves Children Poll Closes; Phelps Steps In

Atlanta, GA --

As the Phelps Saves Children poll closed today, 36% of readers said that "Michael Phelps' greatest achievement" was his mustache being nominated for Obama's VP, though Obama's decision was later reversed.  (Phelps bringing back Seinfeld was 2nd at 26%).  

However, later this morning after the results were released, Phelps contacted PSC writers to say that he would declare the results be thrown out, and that "my abs" be the winner.  

At first, our writers ignored the request until we received several threatening packages in the mail with swim goggles donning Phelps' name.  Therefore, "Phelps' abs" will now be known as Michael Phelps' greatest achievement.  

Emeril Debuts "Essence of Michael Phelps" Seasoning

New Orleans--

Celebrity chef Emeril Lagasse has debuted the most recent seasoning blend in his line of "Essence" spices. The spice blend will be packaged under the name, "Emeril's Essence of Michael Phelps."

Lagasse, best known for his work on television's Food Network, announced the new label at his flagship restaraunt in New Orleans, with Phelps at his side.

"I am proud to announce the latest in my series of spices," Lagasse said. "This blend will kick just about anything up a notch: chicken, fish, pool water, or beef. There is simply nothing more awesome than the Essence of Michael Phelps."

Asked to describe the seasoning, Phelps said, "It has hints of sweat, black pepper, and garlic powder, with the heart of a champion."

(Photo: Emeril Lagasse announces his new seasoning blend, the Essence of Michael Phelps)

Scientist: Phelps's Icy Stare Below Absolute Zero

Zurich, Switzerland--

Scientists at the University of Zurich studying Michael Phelps have determined that his gaze measures at temperatures below any ever measured before.

Ulrich Borgenson, Distinguished Professor of Thermal Physics, conducted the tests after Phelps's recent string of gold medal-winning races at the Beijing Olympics.

"Absolute zero is defined as zero degrees Kelvin, or -273.15 degrees Celcius," Borgenson writes in the most recent issue of the Journal of Thermodynamics, "and until now, no one has even been able to create a machine which could measure such temperatures. But Michael Phelps has proved the science wrong."

Scientists asked Phelps to stare at three targets: a vial of water, Hungarian swimmer Laszlo Cseh, and a laser thermometer. All three items were frozen solid within milliseconds.

The original lead author of the study, Doris Leuenberger, was accidentally frozen and shattered during the experiment; Borgenson dedicated the study to her memory.

Phelps has been asked to wear special goggles until scientists are able to control his icy stare. In an unrelated study, scientists in Denver, Colorado are studying whether Phelps's gaze can be used to combat global climate change.

(Photo: Michael Phelps's gaze is recorded on film seconds before the camera was frozen solid)

In Reversal, Phelps to Create Child

Chicago--

In a stark reversal from his Time Magazine interview last week, Michael Phelps has said he will have one "super child," after announcing he will wed Oprah Winfrey in a televised wedding this Friday.  Oprah and Phelps both seemed excited at the prospect.  

Phelps also said that due to advances in medical science, he will cross-breed genes of other "superior beings" with the child, in order to make it stronger.  The Olympic swimmer released a short-list of several celebrities whose genes would contribute to the make-up of the child; among them Jennifer Anniston and TV handyman Bob Vila.  

Winfrey and Phelps hope to speed up the birthing process to have the child ready for the 2012 summer qualifying races held in 2011.  More details to come.

Phelps Solves Housing Crisis with Medal

Washington--

This morning Michael Phelps issued a statement to the press stating that he would fore go one of his 2008 gold Olympic medals in order to solve America's worsening housing crisis.  The press immediately contacted troubled lenders Fannie Mae and Freddy Mac for comment.  Both organizations confirmed the story and issued this joint statement:

Michael Phelps approached both our organizations because he not only swims for the American people--he lives and breathes with them as well.  There is no hiding that our lending policies were in deepening trouble, and therefore a large portion of the American economy.  But Michael has graciously given away his 2008 relay gold medal in order to pay our losses, as well as forgive the debts of most of Fannie and Freddy's customers.  

When reporters pressed the companies for a specific number, as to how much the medal would cover, the companies' representatives both declined to comment.  However, some mumbling could be heard before the conversation was ended and one rep. was reportedly heard saying "I don't like owing him a favor..."

Phelps's Mustache Threatens Convention Walkout

Denver--

Michael Phelps's mustache, assured by presumptive Democratic Presidential nominee Barack Obama of being named his running mate, threated a walkout at tonight's Democratic National Convention after Joe Biden appeared to replace it on the ticket

Phelps's mustache was preparing its acceptance speech early Saturday morning when news of the looming Obama-Biden pick reached Phelps's mustache's cell phone's inbox.

"This is an outrage," Phelps's mustache said. "I had an assurance from Senator Obama that we would ride the Obama-Phelps's Mustache wave all the way to the White House. I had even picked out new drapes for the Naval Conservatory. But after promising me the spot, Obama picked that jerk Biden from Delaware. Seriously, where is Delaware, anyway?"

Obama's original pick of Phelps's mustache had come under scrutiny by Constitutional scholars in recent days, as it appears that Phelps's mustache must have been at least 35 years old to be eligible for the office. Photo evidence suggests that the mustache missed the Constitutional mark by 34 years and 10 months.

Supporters of Phelps's mustache joined frustrated Hillary Clinton supporters in calling for a roll call vote at the convention. Supporters were seen passing out "Hillary-Mustache" signs on the convention floor.

Obama was unavailable to comment.

(Photo: Supporters of Hillary Clinton and Michael Phelps's Mustache refuse to leave the Democratic National Convention stage in protest of Obama's selection of Joe Biden as his running mate)

Phelps Leaps In to Save Child; Then Leaves Him In Water

London--

According to eyewitnesses, Michael Phelps was swimming in a local London swimming pool when he noticed a young 4-year-old struggling to keep his head above water.  The boy, Peter Smedley, then began to drown when Phelps leapt in the pool to save him.  However, a bystander closer to Smedley swam to him before Phelps could reach him, and then pulled him to safety.  

Several eyewitnesses then say Phelps became visibly angry, and threw both back in the pool.  When Smedley and his savior, David Divelwhite, attempted to get back out of the water several times, Phelps stood at the foot of the water and continued to push them back in, shouting, "You want to be a hero again?!"  Phelps then threw all his gold medals at the pair's heads, save one which appeared to be melded to his skin.  Though traumatized, the victims are recovering nicely in their respective London homes.

Above: an angry Phelps captured by a bystander cellphone, at the time of the incident.

Phelps Featured on Bravo's Project Runway

New York--

Michael Phelps will be featured on tonight's episode of Bravo smash Project Runway, MPSC has learned.

The eleven remaining designers were tasked with creating an outfit for Michael Phelps using nothing but the eight gold medals he has won at this year's Beijing Olympics.

--Spoiler Alert--

The winning design was created by twenty-three year old contestant Blayne of Yakima, Washington. Blayne used the medals to create a bikini top for Phelps. Rather than making a bottom, Blayne made use of the Speedo that Phelps has had surgically attached to his groin area. Phelps will be featured wearing Blayne's design on this week's issue of Sports Illustrated Magazine.

The eliminated contestant was leather designer Stella (nicknamed Cheroin by fans of the show, as she resembles a strung-out version of the pop star). Stella's design included several studs and lots of leater. Stella attempted to pierce Phelps's nipple in order to connect the medals to his chest via a chain, but Phelps chose to forego the piercing, arguing that it would make his body less aerodynamic.

(Photo: Blayne's winning design)

Phelps: 'I Will Not Have Kids'

London--

Michael Phelps, in a sit-down interview with Time Magazine, stated that he has no plans on having children, and in fact, would refuse to do so with a partner.  "Why would I want to breed?  There is unequivocally no point--I am the best, and any offspring will taint my genetic makeup."  Phelps went on to explain that if any children were produced "by accident" he would raise them completely in the underwater, even though it would pose an immediate risk to the child.  

When the interviewer asked if Michael would feel threatened if his children were swimmers, and thus perhaps breaking his records, Phelps sat in a nearby water fountain, and challenged the reporter to a race.  Time said it would release photos later today.

Phelps to Host Late Night Talk Show

New York--

Michael Phelps, fresh from his record-shattering eighth gold medal in a single Olympics, announced at a press conference today that he will be hosting a late night talk show, to begin in November of this year.

The show, The Show with Michael Phelps, will feature Phelps as host, as well as bandleader and interview subject. David Letterman's Worldwide Pants will be producing the program.

"This kid is great," Letterman said. "And though he'll be taking my spot on CBS, its fine, because I hate CBS."

In fact, The Show With Michael Phelps will be simulcast on every major network and all cable channels in the United States, as well as channels in China, Kenya, Mexico, Canada, Iraq, Chile, and the Netherlands.

Cable channel Bravo TV announced an exclusive deal to air reruns of The Show With Michael Phelps from 7am-9am, though Bravo intends to focus entirely on Phelps's bare chest for the two-hour period.

Evidence: Phelps Created "Your Mom" and "That's What She Said" Jokes

New York--

After a blistering Olympic run over the past week in Beijing, Michael Phelps has produced several documents which show he was the comedy mastermind behind popular 'Your mom' and 'That's what she said' jokes, which frequently appear in common vernacular as well as TV sitcoms such as NBC's The Office.

Phelps said he developed the phrases around the age of four, when he was taunting fellow swim-class competition, and continues to use them today in the pool towards competitors. The District Court of New York has confirmed these documents to be authentic and plans to address their public use in a mandate requested by Phelps. Writers of The Office were stunned and simply said, "We effectively have no more jokes. We don't know how to proceed at this point..."

Above: Phelps after learning that his jokes had been picked up by big-network sitcoms.