Phelps Decared Pig Lipsticking Champion

Baton Rouge, LA--

Michael Phelps has been declared the Pig Lipsticking Champion of the World at the first annual Lipstick on a Pig rodeo in Baton Rouge, LA.

Inspired by Barack Obama's recent comments, Phelps entered the contest wearing a mask and calling himself "Phicael Melphs." Phelps was declared the winner, successfully putting lipstick on thirty-seven pigs in ten minutes.

"They just love me," Phelps said. "All I had to do was show them my medal, and they'd stop oinking long enough to give them a little lipstick."

Phelps, speaking with several lipstick marks on his cheek, also noted that the pigs kept trying to lick him, once they realized that he had won eight gold medals, setting seven world records in the process.

Phelps, whose mustache was recently passed over for Barack Obama's running mate, says he has "no hard feelings."

Breaking: Phelps Genetic Child of Heston and Wanye

New York--
Breaking news this morning as Olympian Michael Phelps revealed, after consulting with his mother, that he is a genetic "test tube baby" created with a mix of Charlton Heston and John Wayne's DNA.

Reporters are still learning more about this story, but Phelps is quoted to have said he received the ability to handle a pistol (while under water), and lead nations out of exile from Heston. Phelps attributes his knack for leading various WWII combat outfits, as well as wearing a 10 gallon hat, from Wayne. News outfits have going to Baltimore to question Phelps' mother more about this development--more to come.

Michael Phelps Accidentally Starts Hurricane Ike

Miami--

Meteorologists at the National Hurricane Center in Miama, Florida have traced the beginning of Hurricane Ike's path of destruction to a Michael Phelps warmup race in Beijing.

Phelps, practicing for the 100 meter freestyle before his gold medal performance, swung his arms so fast that a tropical depression was created over the Chinese city. Now, several weeks later, that depression has strengthened to hurricane-force winds which threaten the Bahamas and the eastern seaboard of the United States.

Scientists are at a loss as to how to deal with Ike's destructive potential, but many are currently reaching out to Phelps, encouraging him to swing his arms in the opposite direction to counteract Ike's trajectory.

(Photo: Hurricane Ike threatens the United States. The storm was originally called "Hurricane Michael Phelps Did This," but was rejected for copyright reasons)

Visiting the Today Show, Michael Phelps Undoes Al Roker's Gastric Bypass

New York--

On a visit to the Today Show to promote his endorsements and speak to fans, Michael Phelps stunned a nationwide audience by removing the plastic band from Al Roker's stomach.

Hosts Matt Lauer and Meredith Viera could only watch in horror as Phelps removed the band which had previously surrounded Roker's stomach, enabling Roker to eat whatever he wanted without feeling nauseous after only a few bites.

Roker, who had actually undergone adjustable gastric banding surgery rather than the related gastric bypass, looked confused just after the band was removed, but immediately thanked the swimmer and asked for a smoothie.

"I used to eat fast food all the time," Roker said, "and I am a lot hungrier now, but thanks to Michael, all I want to eat is fresh fruit and tofu. Man, this is great."

Phelps declined comment.

(Photo: Roker, in this undated photo, has been empowered by Michael Phelps to watch his weight on his own, rather than relying on a surgical technique)

Lorne Michaels Cedes Control of Saturday Night Live to Michael Phelps

New York--

In preparation for Michael Phelps's September 13 appearance on Saturday Night Live, executive producer Lorne Michaels has resigned from his position in order that Phelps can have complete control over the long-running series.

Michaels, the creative mastermind of the show, shocked both the cast and television executives, as he is largely seen as the impetus that has kept SNL a Saturday night staple for thirty years.

In a statement, Michaels noted Phelps's "magnetic personality" and "uncanny ability to keep people watching."

Phelps was surprised by the decision, though he said he was excited by the opportunity. "Lorne Michaels is an institution," he said, "and I will never be able to fill his shoes, because they are much too small for my feet. So I will be buying new shoes, and I intend to fill them."

(Photo: Lorne Michaels announces his departure from Saturday Night Live)